take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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