John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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