I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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