Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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