nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
