left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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