Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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