The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
