I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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