I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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