____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
