My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
