I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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