i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
