If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
where are my eyebrows?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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