so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
