Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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