I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
