I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
