Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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