dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
