What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
