"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
