I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
