omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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