I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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