Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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