she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
if only i could text you this smell
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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