I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
