How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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