Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
