I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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