His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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