Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize