Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
