I am puke
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
