why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
