Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
