Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
