I'd wear matching sweaters with you
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
