1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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