I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
