They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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