Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
