haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
