I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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