Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
