I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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