Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
