Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
