i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
