just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
