Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I am available for nakedness
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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