he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The Olympian is in my bed
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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