I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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