i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
