I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
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I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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