there's paper in my vomit.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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