i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
