I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
